dear secret pen pal,

my darkest secret now is getting the better of me.
I am even afraid to spell it out to you now cause I am embarrassed.
I am so afraid what will happen if it came true.
2 days before, I shared my darkest secret with the only one I could trust.
I didn't want to involve anyone else cause I knew what I was going to do.
I knew I was going to regret if I make that decision.
But I am scared.
Scared if it is really true, what the future has for me.
The way I see it, it's blank.
But after I told that secret, I thought I wasn't alone.
Because I felt someone knew the secret.
That someone was going to help me go through it.
For once, in these few days, I felt like I was going to make the right decision.
But that someone disappeared.
Leaving me to deal with this dark secret all alone.
Right now, I am alone.
I am more scared than ever.
Should I or should I not?
God, please help me.
Whatever this decision is, I don't want to regret.
But, my mind tells me to make the decision I will regret.
I cannot live through this.
It is too much pain and confusion.
What would I do alone?
How would I go through it alone?
Either decision I make, I have to go through it alone.
It sucks.
I think it is better not to think about it.
But if I don't, what if it gets worse?
And by then it's too late to make another mistake.
I wished someone was here to tell me everything is going to be fine.
There is just so much to think about.
I can't weigh which is more important.
Both issues mean a lot to me.
I thought 2013 is going to be a new start.
But troubles keep coming.
When am I going to be truly happy?
When I embrace that secret and accept it?
Or when I pretend it never happened and when it did, I just remove it.
Will I be happier than?

so confused and lost...