diary,

i can't get to sleep.
why can't i?
I've been trying to sleep the whole freaking day.
is this what depression feels like?
will i take the knife and stab myself one fine day?
it sucks.
i just can't help thinking of him.
there are so many things on my mind.
things i have to do sooner.
but right now, when trying to sleep.
tossing and turning in bed.
i can only think of him.

i can't also help thinking about her.
she talked to me a few times asking about me.
i don't know if she wants to hear that its over between me and him.
but i couldn't tell her anything.
after everything, i don't know who i can trust or not.
but keeping everything to myself just drives me crazy.
i can't tell her about me and him.
i can't tell him about what she said.
why do i have to be the only one suffering?

i just can't help thinking.
he said he loved her.
i don't know if getting over someone is that easy.
but at least not for me.
but if he still thinks of her.
will he still love her if he knows she is talking bad stuff behind his back.
to friends who know him?
he said he just wanted someone he can bring home.
is that all that matters?
i mean, doesn't it matter if someone truly loves you?
he would want someone who does bad things behind his back even though she said she forgives him and hopes he gets better and doesn't want someone who truly loves him just because he can bring her back?
is that what people call love?
if it is, then i don't know what love is anymore.
i know its not her fault that she wants to say bad things about him still.
i mean he did her wrong.
but if you really love someone, and even after everything, you wished him well.
if he really did meant something to you, wouldn't you want to see him do well?
why would you tell him you forgive him and wants him to do better but at the back.
you still actually try to spoil his life. again.

i know what i did was wrong.
but i suffered enough.
why am i still in this state after so long.
she moved on.
i don't know if he moved on from her.
but i can't move on.
i just don't understand the fact of life.
is life really that hard to live?
cause i definitely think so.
i can't even climb out of the hole I'm in.

they say you see good things in people when you are in love.
but when you are out, you can't see it.
all the bad things just keeps coming.
why can't i see the bad things in people?
i tried to.
i really tried hard.
at the end of the day, i am back to square one.

well diary, besides him I'm thinking about.
how he is doing and what he is doing and how much i miss him.
i still have other things to think about.
how long am i going to put this off?
i can't ignore it forever, can i?
and. should i just go away?
will it solve it all?
i don't even have the courage to go check it.
where am i going to get the courage to go live alone in a foreign land?

and still, I'm just another weak woman.
or a girl.
trying to be strong.
to protect the one she loves.
and in order to do that.
she has to be hurt.
she has to be alone.
she has to endure it all by herself.
is this my fate?

ireallyhopesomethinggoodcomesoutofthisbadkarma,

iknowidontdeservehappiness.butiyearnforit.onefineday.