dear diary,

i cannot believe myself.....
i turned on whatsapp to his page..
and just stare at it for hours.
i typed something..
and then i cancelled it.
and i typed again..
and i cancelled it yet again..

ifeelsodumb.

dear diary,

what have i done?
i feel so horrible now.
but is this what i deserve to feel?
so much that i shouldn't complain?
since i said i deserve to suffer?
i just don't know what to do.
the horrible incident one month ago.
and now this.
why am i so screwed up?

anyway, i feel horrible for my friend.
and that made me realize something really important.
yesterday, a friend of mine blew over the top at me.
reason being = i had no time for him.
he was a good friend.
despite him having feelings for me.
i made it really clear its impossible.
besides he is christian.
that's even worse.
anyway i can't have feelings for him.
cause i love erik.
i still do.
so all these while, in the name of a friend.
he tried means and ways to try to meet me.
i kinda knew he still has feelings for me so i always decline.
yesterday he asked me and i told him i made plans and he got so angry.
after some argument, i asked him if he wants to be more than friends with me.
and he said he don't know.
his old feelings for me are coming back.
i just wanted him to admit it so he can hear himself.
how absurd this whole thing is.
and then he said he was going away for a month to clear his head.
i felt bad, really bad.
i didn't reply him, up till now.
despite feeling bad, i felt annoyed as well.
i know it isn't his fault for having feelings for me.
and i can't stop him from feeling that way about me.
i don't want to entertain him.
everytime, i am just really nasty to him so he doesn't feel like he had any chance.
i kept reminding him, to me, he is just a friend.
this incident made me realize something.
i always knew it, but i never really want to acknowledge it.
maybe, to erik, i am as annoying as him.
i asked him before, he said, no because we have a long history.
he said he didn't know if he wants me to move on and forget him or not.
as much as i love him, i don't want to annoy him.
the last thing i want is for him to hate me.
so i decided, maybe i should move on.
me moving on, is just a torture for myself.
i can't forget him, ever.
i think of him everyday.
i look at his name on my phone, on whatsapp.
and when i see him online, i just want to text him.
that's how much i can't get over him.
i try to find things to distract me from thinking or having a chance to type a message to him.
i don't want to end up like how i treated that poor guy cause he was really annoying.

i don't know how my life is going to go from here.
deciding to move on, i know it's not a wise choice cause i will only suffer.
but that would prevent me from being hated, by someone i really love.

ihatethislife.

dear diary,

it has been a long while.
a really really longgg while since i had so much fun.
since i laughed so hard.
and really enjoyed myself.
i don't know what good deed i have done the previous days.
that i deserved today.
i felt so happy.
=)
although it was just a simple day.
but it was so much fun.
i was happy.
i hope my happiness stays. =)

ireallythankyoufortoday.

dear diary,

i'm not ready to let it go.
but i have no choice have i?
i hate suffering in silence.
and pretend that everything is okay on the outside.
if only..

ilovehimsomuch.

dear diary,

why does happiness come and go within a click of a finger?
i don't even have time to react.
i don't even have time to find out what's wrong.
it just slapped me right in the face.
i feel like i'm locked in a dark room now.
lost.
yet again.
plucking petals off the rose.
asking anyone in the dark room.
if he loves me, or he loves me not.
except.
that its not the petals.
in reality, i don't know what is wrong.
sometimes, happiness seems so real.
but sometimes, it snapped at me.
just like the happiness a few days before.
didn't even happened.
i am ready to do anything.
because the worse is over.
i think i went through much more than that.
isn't happiness owed to me for the pain i went through.
who deserves happiness.
i think at this point.
i have enjoyed enough that god takes it all away from me.
never to return my joy of laughter.

lookslikeimgoingtostareatthephonewaitingforthecallandhavesleeplessnights.howinsanecanthisget.

dear diary,

how do one react to this:
i don't want to see you.
heart squashed..
hopes crashed..
the hopes built high up.
came crashing in one second.
you feel at the bottom again.
how do you pace yourself up again?

whatdoido.imsquashed.

dear diary,

i haven't been feeling upset recently.
i kept busy.
although i text him most of the time.
cause doing so made me forget things.
made me forget my horrible dream.
made me learn how to smile even for awhile.
genuinely.
i really don't know how to survive this without him.
my darkest secret will remain in me forever.
the hurt and pain i endured.
i sometimes think of it no matter how hard i try to avoid.
the guilt i get from thinking of it disgust me.
but i think its a burden i have to carry alone.
for the rest of my life.
sometimes i still tear thinking of how scary it is.
its been close to a month.
how time flies.
but the hurt and pain stays.

guiltfollowsyouaroundforlife.

dear diary,

someone..
without knowing..
has made it so much easier for me to live my life recently.
the calls, the meet ups, the texts.
they just keep me alive.
i know i rely on that person so much.
that i put my whole state of happiness in that person's hand.
this morning, when we played tricks on each other.
tickled each other.
even the childish-est thing we did together.
it makes me remarkably happy.
i don't know what will happen if god takes this wonderful person.
away from my life.
the fact that this person's presence made me forget the awful memories.
especially the ones I've been through the last 2 weeks.
makes me want this person more than ever.

pleasedonttakehimaway.

dear diary,

the lonesome feeling.
the depressing feeling.
the heart skipping a beat.
the frustration..
we talked.
i told him i don't know where i am heading.
i feel like i am going to lose it.
i tried very hard to keep my composure.
to keep it all together.
to smile for people.
so no one will know.
the despair i am in.
only when i am alone.
i feel it.
that's why i hate being home.
i hate being in singapore.
unless i have his company.
i cried while talking.
i don't know why.
i don't know when.
i am going to stop feeling all these.
everyone has moved on.
why haven't i?

i told him finally.
not the whole truth.
but what he wants to hear.
he doesn't need to know the details.
it will add more pain and guilt than what i feel now.

i'mscrewed.