Saturday, February 16, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
diary,
why isn't my mood changing?
maybe you got bored of me saying i miss him everyday.
why am i not bored of missing him every single minute?
i can't help thinking of him..
i wished it was so easy to go out with other guys.
i wished it was so easy to convince myself to even entertain other guys.
so that way, will it be easier to move on?
i can't even force myself to look at other guys.
I've tried seriously.
all i think of when i am talking to them.
is him.
all i wished for when my phone ring, is to see if its him.
i think I've got seriously mad now.
i don't even pick up calls from my guy friends.
i deleted them from my contacts.
cause i feel irritated being swamped by these guys.
they are not bad guys.
but why do i feel this way?
will there really be one and only erik in my life?
can no one replace how deep he is engraved in my heart.
can i not love someone else as much as i love him?
am i doomed to just suffer loving him in silence?
i don't think i can pour my heart out to him anymore.
i don't want to burden him with my feelings.
all i want for him now is to be happy.
and feel free of any burden i have ever brought him.
he deserves happiness, right?
is my happiness really just by looking him being happy with another girl.
will i really be happy when he is happy?
is that how i am fated to love in this life?
i really thought of moving away.
someone said he wanted me to marry him.
i asked myself.
if i agreed, and if i did move to germany.
is what i am doing making myself suffer more.
or am i freeing myself from all the ropes that are slashing me now?
i want to suffer for whatever wrong i did him.
i really want to.
i don't want to live happily.
i feel like i am in debt.
although he cheated.
but i should have endured and just kept quiet like how i always did.
suffer in silence.
i shouldn't make him suffer with me.
that is the last thing i wanted for him.
to suffer.
so now, its my turn to be in pain.
my bad, in more pain since i have been in pain since i can't remember when.
i really stopped myself in any way to have contact with him.
but i still wished he called although i didn't make that possible for him.
i still have to text him one day to collect my things.
and to take the money.
how do i do that without feeling miserable all over again?
ireallywishtoseeyoubaby.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
diary,
sleepless nights, sleepless nights.
when am i going to sleep proper?
this is such a miserable life to go through.
why can't we just be happy with what we had.
why can't i just pluck up enough courage to do it.
then i won't be this restless.
ihatethisfeeling.