Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
dear diary,
i cannot believe myself.....
i turned on whatsapp to his page..
and just stare at it for hours.
i typed something..
and then i cancelled it.
and i typed again..
and i cancelled it yet again..
ifeelsodumb.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
dear diary,
what have i done?
i feel so horrible now.
but is this what i deserve to feel?
so much that i shouldn't complain?
since i said i deserve to suffer?
i just don't know what to do.
the horrible incident one month ago.
and now this.
why am i so screwed up?
anyway, i feel horrible for my friend.
and that made me realize something really important.
yesterday, a friend of mine blew over the top at me.
reason being = i had no time for him.
he was a good friend.
despite him having feelings for me.
i made it really clear its impossible.
besides he is christian.
that's even worse.
anyway i can't have feelings for him.
cause i love erik.
i still do.
so all these while, in the name of a friend.
he tried means and ways to try to meet me.
i kinda knew he still has feelings for me so i always decline.
yesterday he asked me and i told him i made plans and he got so angry.
after some argument, i asked him if he wants to be more than friends with me.
and he said he don't know.
his old feelings for me are coming back.
i just wanted him to admit it so he can hear himself.
how absurd this whole thing is.
and then he said he was going away for a month to clear his head.
i felt bad, really bad.
i didn't reply him, up till now.
despite feeling bad, i felt annoyed as well.
i know it isn't his fault for having feelings for me.
and i can't stop him from feeling that way about me.
i don't want to entertain him.
everytime, i am just really nasty to him so he doesn't feel like he had any chance.
i kept reminding him, to me, he is just a friend.
this incident made me realize something.
i always knew it, but i never really want to acknowledge it.
maybe, to erik, i am as annoying as him.
i asked him before, he said, no because we have a long history.
he said he didn't know if he wants me to move on and forget him or not.
as much as i love him, i don't want to annoy him.
the last thing i want is for him to hate me.
so i decided, maybe i should move on.
me moving on, is just a torture for myself.
i can't forget him, ever.
i think of him everyday.
i look at his name on my phone, on whatsapp.
and when i see him online, i just want to text him.
that's how much i can't get over him.
i try to find things to distract me from thinking or having a chance to type a message to him.
i don't want to end up like how i treated that poor guy cause he was really annoying.
i don't know how my life is going to go from here.
deciding to move on, i know it's not a wise choice cause i will only suffer.
but that would prevent me from being hated, by someone i really love.
ihatethislife.