Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
i told him what is bothering me.
i didn't feel better cause i didn't even want to think about it.
which is why i didn't write anything down here when i was writing about my thoughts in bali.
i want to forget.
i want to believe only the positive will come.
i want to.
it will.
although he knows now.
but its okay.
it wont happen.
i promise it wont.
be positive.
=)
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
why does he keep replying?!
do i reply or not?
i want to!
but that means i hope it will get longer!
no don't!
but if i don't, i will keep thinking about it!
argh!
buddy diary, what should i do?
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
ahhhhh dear diary!
why does he have to message me now??
for the past hour or two......
i did forget about him!
i really did!
of course the things i did to forget about him.
is despicable!
ermm... not that despicable but i think you would understand..
but now he message me, my mind stopped everything!
i just want to run to him and talk to him.
why am i feeling this way?
=(
do i really need someone else to nurse and distract me?
but i don't want someone else.
i can't see someone else.
why can't i be alone to nurse these feelings?
is it that hardd??
erik, why are you playing in my head?
why why why?
why did you message me?
i WAS strong for 2 hours!
this is frustrating.
concentrating on not thinking about him is even worse than studying for exams.
brace nura.
this is the start.
you have to endure.
then you can go through it!
sobs..
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
my dearest diary!
why am i feeling this way??
i did so many things to distract myself today.
so i won't talk to him.
so i won't think about how he is doing..
but his friends talk to me about him.
and it ended up with me talking about him.
and i am thinking of him!?!
this is so not working well.
=(
suffering from the inside is so hard.
today, i kept thinking about the promises he made to other girls.
how he is like when he is with the other girls.
is he as sweet and nice as when he is with me?
is he genuine as well?
i feel so hurt.
my tummy hurts.
i haven't really eaten in so many days.
just the other day, i decided to gorge myself.
since i refused to eat.
i ended up with a bad diarrhea.
and i can't eat for days.
what is happening to me.
i want to relive my old days.
the happy me.
anyways,
i wonder if he is okay now..
i also wonder if he wonders the same about me.
or am i the only one showing my concern?
my tummy is acting up.
starting to feel nauseous.
will i be okay?
i wonder how am i going to live through the night.
today, i took a first step.
i agreed to go out with someone.
i told him its not a date cause i want to be clear.
guys can go out with girls for many reasons.
but when girls go out with guys, people only think about one thing.
and i don't want to be burdened by that.
i hope tmr can help me forget about him for one day.
forget.forget.forget.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
dear best friend =)
i just came back from bali!
i'm not writing with regards to my flight.
but rather to my feelings on my issues that are still not settled! =(
i think i had sometime to think about myself during this short trip.
before i left, i had another major breakdown.
because of the secret i told you.
and also because i feel all alone with that secret in me.
anyway, the issue with him is kind of settled in a way.
i gave him a second chance,
he said he needed time to find himself again and we made no promise.
although i accepted that decision.
i felt unjust in a way.
i didn't want my actions to be noted or acknowledge.
he just can't see me, my sacrifices, my support.
he can only see things on the surface.
nevermind, at least he has his sister whom he thinks is the only one helping him now.
i don't ask for anything.
so long as he is happy,
it doesn't matter.
i will have to learn to live with it.
today his friend talked to me.
i said all the nice things about him.
i told his friend that he may be scared to go back to school.
and may act like an asshole sometimes cause of his ego.
but i told him to be patient with him.
and probably ask him out for lunch before school starts.
so at least he knows they are all there for him.
instead of him feeling like everyone in school hates him.
i'm so glad he agreed.
he said erik must have done a good deed to have me in this life.
i told myself, he didn't even acknowledge any of my actions.
whatever i have done, he did not even acknowledge. he even doubted it.
but oh wells, we cannot get whatever we want in this life.
i wish i can find someone like myself, in future, who loves me as much as i love him.
i think its a blessing to have someone love and care for you so much.
than have someone who cares only for himself.
he was with other girls, they said they loved him, wanted to be with him.
and him too i guess, but when something bad happened.
look at now.. where are the girls whom he loved so much?
they even till today, asked me not to be with him.
asked me to hate him.
all are cursing and swearing and hating him.
so now i want to ask, where is the love they said they build for 2 years or 2 months?
i'm not saying my love for 6 years is much greater than them cause right now.
i don't even know if i can trust anymore.
but at least i know, i love him more than myself.
and if i found someone like me, who has eyes only for me and can only love me.
i would never let him go.
i believe in life, we have one good shot at things.
couples who are married, may not even be happy cause both are self-centered.
what are the chances that you found someone who loves you more than themselves?
people only love themselves.
of course i have so many bad points.
but to this extent, i think i did more than i could already.
i thought about it.
i gave him a second chance, he didn't treasure it.
when the truth about the secret is out, i don't care if he begs me for a second chance.
i won't ever give it.
why should i trust someone who did not even realise what he had.
i'm not saying i don't love him.
i do. very much.
i can say i have done all that i can for him.
but i yearn for me to be loved too.
who doesn't?
jina said, i will find someone who loves me more than him.
i will be happy.
i still hope he would be happy.
i hope the happiness his sister gives him now will last.
cause knowing him, it might just disappear with time.
but whatever it is, i promised myself, i would help him no matter what.
i think right now, i feel less guilty cause i think i helped him in a way.
after his friends ask him out, he might feel less afraid to go to school.
then he can start his life from there slowly.
i can think so much for him.
but i don't know what to do with me.
=(
i feel upset that i don't know what the future has in store for me.
what if...?
i have a semi-strong feeling something bad is happening.
not trying to be negative but..
only i will know how i feel.
i don't want to bother him with my feelings anymore.
he says "you want to help me? wtf, is this helping me??"
he agreed to help me, but now when i feel scared, he says all these.
now, i refuse to talk anymore.
if it happens, it happens.
i will settle it on my own.
but i am soooooo scared.
help me dear buddy.
i don't think i can ever talk to anyone about this.
i feel soo alone.
08/01/13