dear secret pen pal,
my darkest secret now is getting the better of me.
I am even afraid to spell it out to you now cause I am embarrassed.
I am so afraid what will happen if it came true.
2 days before, I shared my darkest secret with the only one I could trust.
I didn't want to involve anyone else cause I knew what I was going to do.
I knew I was going to regret if I make that decision.
But I am scared.
Scared if it is really true, what the future has for me.
The way I see it, it's blank.
But after I told that secret, I thought I wasn't alone.
Because I felt someone knew the secret.
That someone was going to help me go through it.
For once, in these few days, I felt like I was going to make the right decision.
But that someone disappeared.
Leaving me to deal with this dark secret all alone.
Right now, I am alone.
I am more scared than ever.
Should I or should I not?
God, please help me.
Whatever this decision is, I don't want to regret.
But, my mind tells me to make the decision I will regret.
I cannot live through this.
It is too much pain and confusion.
What would I do alone?
How would I go through it alone?
Either decision I make, I have to go through it alone.
It sucks.
I think it is better not to think about it.
But if I don't, what if it gets worse?
And by then it's too late to make another mistake.
I wished someone was here to tell me everything is going to be fine.
There is just so much to think about.
I can't weigh which is more important.
Both issues mean a lot to me.
I thought 2013 is going to be a new start.
But troubles keep coming.
When am I going to be truly happy?
When I embrace that secret and accept it?
Or when I pretend it never happened and when it did, I just remove it.
Will I be happier than?
so confused and lost...
04 Jan 2013
dear diary..
It's been a long time I felt a need to pen down my thoughts. I am now in Bombay and I feel so lost. I have no direction and no more feelings after so much has happened.
After that fateful night, on the last day of 2012, I felt so crushed I wished I had just died than to face the truth and I really didn't know how to carry on. I hated him. Jina and Alidia told me their stories and I felt even more crushed. At that time, I just wanted to destroy myself and everything. No one, no one, can ever understand what I felt at that time. After midnight when he called many many times, I felt so afraid to pick up his calls. I really thought he was going to scold me for destroying everything. I felt he had no right to scold me, but at that time I was scared.
And then he sent me a text message, "Dead and gone. Over". I read and interpreted that message as him telling me, it is the end of us. Feeling sore, I wanted to get back at him. I was angry he was not even apologetic at me. So I said really harsh things.
I believed I hated him. I want to hate him. Really badly. I told people close to me how hard those times were. I lived those few days as a living dead. Jina and I would talk and she would tell me how upset she is, how she couldn't eat/sleep and I would do the same. Maybe talking to each other made us feel somewhat better. But deep inside the hurt gets deeper when I learn more and more of the truth.
No matter how much I try to forget things, at the end of the day, I still cannot stop thinking about him. Especially the night of 01/01/13. It was one night after the incident, the night after everything has sunk in and I was all alone. I talked to a few friends and even thoughts to myself was the same. At the end of the day, I told them. I cannot picture the person I knew for 6 years and the person that people says he is now. I totally cannot relate or maybe I refuse to relate.
Of all people, I felt really better after talking to Tanny. Only he could understand how I feel, in a way because everyone else was saying negative things. He understood why I couldn't hate him. I remember clearly he said, "You love him too much till you cannot see anything else. You love him more than you love yourself." I actually felt better he said that rather than saying things like I should hate him because I really can't. Even today, and now when I think about the things he did, I feel really bitter. But I can't hate.
I know how horrible he feels now, and I just want to help him feel better. I want to help him get on his feet. After all that has happened, I realized some people can be two-faced. They appeared nice in front of him, but behind him they tell me stuff to hate him. It's scary. But it is even more sad now, because this morning, I talked to him. He made me out to be that person. Two-faced. He said I was acting to be noble. Of all things, that was the last thing on my mind.
What do I gain for encouraging him? Honestly speaking, after everything that has happened. Even when his mum insisted me to tell her everything and talk to him face to face. I had no intention of showing him that I was acting nice. I told Jina before I go and even his mum when she insisted me to tell her everything that, he will hate me for life for doing this and I asked them why am I being made the bad person on the surface. The scary person who tells on all his secrets. I knew he would hate me, I didn't expect anything else.
All I wanted to do when I saw how sorry he was, his genuine tears, was to help him. I did not think about anything else other than helping him. I am really heartbroken when he said I was pretending to be nice. Does it really pay to be nice? Although I am not asking for anything in return, and all I want is for people to stop judging him which was why I deleted my posts and posted things on forgiveness and giving people a second chance, he didn't see that.
He said he knew those who stood by him were the ones true to him. I would want to ask this question to him if I could but I doubt it will ever get across. If those people who stood by him (for example his best friend or his sister), if he did horrible things to them and had to bear dire consequences, would they still be there for him after what he did to them? I only believe in this instance family members and his love ones would be there for him. Maybe he will never be able to read my posts and know my true feelings so I will not be shy to admit it here that, I am one of them who endured the whole situation after being hurt so badly, and I got out of it, but I did not stay away. I forgive and I want to help him. This is what family members would do to their own no matter what their love ones did, murder or arson. In this instance, I feel like his family, I can accept what he did, forgive him and help him move on. Only because of love I believe.
I learn the meaning of love the hard way. Even if it is one-sided now, at least I get to experience love even at the most worst case. People can say they love each other, and get married. After they learn new things about each other, and they feel they cannot adapt, the love starts to fade until finally they go through a great ordeal then its a test whether what they have is truly love. Now I can safely say that I have loved him with my whole heart and its not just words or getting used to each other. I can say that because I experienced the worst and I still want to be there for him.
I wished he would do the same for me. But now I don't expect anything. I just hope someone would learn to love me this way. Love comes with time. If you say to someone you love them after only being together for 2 months or so, ask yourself again. I don't think that is love. Its only the physical things you did together which made you feel like you love. Sometimes, it is more blissful to be with someone who can love you wholeheartedly and you know that person will never turn her back against you than to be with someone you love but you don't know if they can do the same for you.
I really cannot force my thinking on him but I was glad that day we talked in his mum's room, when I saw his genuineness, he said I was one of the person who trusted him. Trusted that he changed and repented and that he will carry that on. That day, I truly believed him with my whole heart. The things I said to Tanny and the things I thought to myself that he was just lost and now I saw the truth in it.
I was with him for 6 years and I know him. I don't care what other people who was with him for 2 years or 2 months says because they just know him for short while so whatever he shows might not be his true self. For cheating, he has no excuse and he should be sorry, but to change and be true to himself, I want to do that with him and for him. Because till now, I still do love him no matter what anyone says.
Before I left, his mum asked me if I still wanted him back because apparently we decided that I was going to give myself 3 days to think. I don't know if he still agrees on this, but I am still going to give myself a chance to think seriously about it no matter what his decision is. I think all along I knew what my answer was, I just need to be certain and when I give him that answer no matter what his reaction is, its what I really want and its not because I want to cling on him or because people tell me to leave him. It is because of what I really want.
For inflicting hurt on me, I forgave him. But I am trying to forget and now all I want to do is see him get better. Love can be in any shape. I know he is bitter now. He doesn't say it but I can feel and see from his actions that he somehow thinks I contributed to his despair, but if only he knew what is in my heart. I hope a few years down the road, he will realize all I did was not pretense. It came right from the bottom of my heart.
People who get cheated on, no matter how bad the whole issue is, they hate and they move on. They live their life hating that person and wishing the worse for them. It might seem too good to be true, or I am trying to act like a saint, but I am not the person to do that. I feel horrible these few days trying to hate him. I won't. No matter what people/friends think of me now, for trying to help him, I don't care anymore. I don't want to live for people, thinking how they might think if I was nice to him. I want to do it for myself.
If you ever see this post my dearest, for all the pain I have caused you intentionally or unintentionally, I am truly sorry. I have a part to play in this whole episode. I can't say the pain we both went through is comparable. But mine was not any lighter. I hope we both live through this and become a better person.
I still do love you, despite everything.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to be successful.
In your life.
In your career.
Its up to you to believe if I am sincere.
Just like how I believed you changed despite all the bad things.
I hope you believe that every single word I say.
Was nothing to do with impressing you.
Acting to be a saint or being noble.
You know me for 6 years.
You touch your heart deep down and ask yourself.
I hope you can see my sincerity.
from my broken heart, which will one day heal.